How to Help Your Wife Through Perimenopause

To begin, I am not an expert. I have no medical or scientific training. I am living with a woman going through perimenopause and because of that, I have tried to educate myself with the limited resources that are available. Most blogs, articles and podcasts about the male experience of perimenopause focus a lot on the fact that perimenopausal women start to experience a loss of libido and discomfort around sex. So, it’s not surprising that this would be topic A for dudes since sex is their preoccupation. Because of that, I won’t bother with it here. I’m more interested in the day-to-day management of the new reality in your life.

One of the first things I did was seek out a Male Perimenopause help group. It turned out to be a forum for men to complain about their now, “toxic” wives and how life had become crap. Men also post videos on Tik Tok, joking about how miserable they are because of the changes in their wives’ bodies as though they, the men, were the ultimate victims. So, I figured out quickly that there wasn’t a lot of good resources for folks like me. If you want a solid overview instead, this is a good place to start.

When your wife or partner starts perimenopause, the first thing you must come to terms with is, this is happening. It is not going away anytime soon, you cannot ignore it and you must accept that life has changed.

This is happening. It is not going away anytime soon, you cannot ignore it and you must accept that life has changed.

You would not get angry at your wife if she had a horrible accident and was now in a wheelchair. You would not complain if she needed help getting out of her wheelchair and into bed. Or to use a more mundane example, say your wife promised you she was going to do some task. You come home and it hasn’t been done. You start to feel annoyed. Then you walk into the bedroom and your wife is in bed. She tells you she has a fever and is feeling really poorly. Your annoyance now turns to compassion. You want to comfort her, ask her how you can help. So, this is how you need to react to your wife when she is in the throes of a hormonal storm. If you understand that she is suffering, it will be easier for you to not react negatively to a sharp word or a seemingly irrational outburst.

How you deal with all of this will determine the future of your marriage, whether you will break apart, become roommates or whether your marriage will grow and thrive despite the challenges your wife is going through. Any distance you may feel from your wife will only intensify if she feels like you are not with her in her journey.

Any distance you may feel from your wife will only intensify if she feels like you are not with her in her journey.

It’s a normal human reaction to bristle, get angry or feel hurt when someone snaps at you, criticizes you or gives you a death stare when you are eating an apple, “too loudly”. However, meeting her anger with your own will only make things worse. You will need to relearn your reactions to negative stimulus. What was suggested to me was to take a beat. Let the initial rush of adrenaline dissipate and give yourself time to think about what is really happening. Once you do that, you can move into that state of compassion we talked about earlier. Pausing, to remind yourself that it isn’t you and then showing some understanding for what is probably a heightened state of emotional dysregulation, will get you much better long-term results. I should say, this is not easy and you won’t be perfect with this. But over time, this will feel more natural and you both will be better off because of it.

There are also cultural and traditional reactions that might exacerbate the situation. Thinking a woman shouldn’t act like this towards her husband and then expressing that to her is probably a short cut to divorce court. I remind you of what I said earlier, this is happening and stomping your feet or asserting your manhood will only make your partner miserable and less interested in you.

Your inclination may be to try and fix this, which you can’t. If you could, you would be the most in-demand man on this planet. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you can do to help. I did some research and started a dialogue with my wife about the things I had learned. I suggested supplements that might help, the value of HRT, certain types of exercise and nutrition. This let my wife know that I was in this with her.

Perimenopause doesn’t need to mean years of daily misery. Most days, your wife will just be your wife, the woman you have always known. There will be many more of those days if you partner with her on this challenging path she is on.

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider for personal medical guidance.